Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
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Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
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See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
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