I feel like abortions should bother me more
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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