i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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