Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
