she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
