I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Randomize
