i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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