I wish my penis had an off switch
I think I died a long time ago.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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