i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Randomize
