Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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