my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
