Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
