Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Randomize
