I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
