I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
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I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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