Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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