I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
