it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
