dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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