having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
