Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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