I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Randomize
