I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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