Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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