so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
