just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
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i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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