i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
