I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
