I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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