drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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