You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Randomize
