we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
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