In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
