Since when is my name a synonym for head?
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
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