Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
