i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I want her autograph on my taint
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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