A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
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