Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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