You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
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