dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
