dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Help. Why am I so naked?
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
