I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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