maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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