dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
