You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
