What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
its liver damage thursday
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
