I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
