i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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