guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
