you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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