Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more