The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
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I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
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Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.