She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
