Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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