Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
